When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
