i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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