ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
