My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
