I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I love you.
Bad choice
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize