If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
