Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
