Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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