paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
