Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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