broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
