Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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