oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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