We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
