Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize