I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize