My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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