the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Less talking, more tequila
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize