nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
