not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Houston, we have a squirter
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
