yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
