I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
