he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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