I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
