I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
