I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
