I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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