i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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