a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
