Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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