WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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