New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
