he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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