the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
