Where is the hickey?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
honey bunches of taint.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
