I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The struggles of a small town man whore
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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