She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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