I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
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