i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
