i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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