my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
