My Higher Power is John Stamos
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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