Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize