My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
