I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Ketchup is God's man juice
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
