Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
