My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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