My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
