My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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