Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
