All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
