You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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