Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize