were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
