The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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