they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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